black_dahlia

After directing 42 films, beginning in 1971, you would think that someone may be able to come up with a semi decent film; this is not the case for some directors. Having not seen much of his earlier work, but hearing about a few of his films through word of mouth or from other reviews, either this director was never any good or at this point has gone completely down hill! Judging from what I have seen, and especially the film I am about to review, he was never any good to begin with. I mean seriously, Edward D. Wood junior is far superior to this man (at least Ed’s work is fun to watch). Well, without further ado I now present to you a cover of one of the worst films I ever had the displeasure of getting a migraine while watching. From Boogeyman Films Int. comes a Shadow Factory presentation, director Ulli Lommel’s;

Black Dahlia

Starting out with some weird satanic bitch, making like 666 in some way or another coincides with the murder of the black dahlia, I knew I was in trouble. She mentions Elizabeth Short being born in 1924 (2+4=6) and her death date, being January 15^th 1947 (1+5=6), and ten mentioning some silly shit about 6 perfect thumbs (in her book of evil), well these three things come out to… you guessed it, 666. When it comes to the thumbs thing, I’m sorry it just doesn’t work. I guess Lommel couldn’t come up with anything more creative. I don’t think creativity is in this mans blood, besides from this point on Satanism and 666, is no longer mentioned at all throughout the rest of the film.

Pushing forward (unfortunately), the weird bitch and her two, seemingly mentally handicapped, cohorts are holding a casting call for an actress to play the roll of Beth Short in their so called film, Black Dahlia. Thank god, they lure each one of these miserable excuses for actresses in and dismember every one of them. After the complete dismemberment of each girl, they dance around the room, holding severed limbs, to the most god awful music. Then if that’s not enough stupidity, they deliver the parts, wrapped in plastic, to different downtown L.A. spots for the fuzz to discover.

When the po-po discover the first dismembered dimwit they mention how the murder is almost exact to the killing of Elizabeth Short in 1947. The utterly ridiculous thing about this particular moment is that Beth was not completely dismembered (in real life). Beth Short was beaten, cut in half at the mid section, sodomized after death, and according to authorities at the time, also had grass shoved up her vaginal region. This film stuck to nearly no truth, with the exception of dates, her name and where her body was discovered. As so called copy cat killers, they knew shit one about the actual events. Actually that demerit goes to Mr. Ulli, for no effort in story, literally little to no research.

Oh! Did I mention that the drenched in blood (even though days are going by) fucktards deliver the body parts in broad daylight? No! Well, now I did. Seriously guys and girls these guys are in the exact outfits and covered in wet blood through the entire film… take a fucking shower, morons!

The film basically goes like this… murder, cops, murder, cops, some random flash backs, murder, cops. This is what to expect from this glorious piece of shit! One thing in particular that drove me nuts were the flash backs, especially when they involved the satanic cunt, adorning camouflage and marching in place… what the fuck is tat all about, you tell me, because I sure as shit don’t know! I seriously hope all this was to fill time, if not, I just don’t know.

Well, now as far as the cops are concerned, I shall give you a bit of insight, for those of you who may not view this film. A rookie cop named Kevin is having reoccurring nightmares of Beth Short and her murder, due to this he goes on the hunt for the so called copy cat killer. In his searching he runs across a little old man, the so called last person to see Beth. He had supposedly offered her a role in what was to be her first film, a women’s prison movie. The producer, Mr. McCoon lives in a nice suburban house, and surprising to see the Satan bitch in the house with him, whether or not she lives there, I don’t know. McCoon, at the time of the original murder was a suspect but the authorities never went far on that hunch.

As I afore mentioned, there were a few truths thrown into this film, even to the extent of where Beth’s body was found, the dates and very few other things. Overall this film had nothing to do with the actual events, even a copy cat killer would commit a murder exactly the way a killing was done, that’s why they are called copy cat killers.

I just really cannot bring myself to talk anymore about this pile of shit packed into a DVD case. Quite definitely one of the most pathetic films I have ever viewed! I love me some cheese, but when the cheese spoils, its time to throw it away.

Ratings:

For direction and screenplay I give a 0. Although using very little truth, this film (if you wanna call it that), is one of the worst stories as well as one of the worst directed films I have ever seen. I literally shit bigger than Ulli’s talent.

For Cinematography I give a 2. I definitely enjoy the look of a low budget film, but the flash backs were very poorly filmed and the overall look of the film was garbage.

For acting I give a 0. By far some of the worst acting I have witnessed in a long time. Some of these characters, at times, seemed to be trying to actually trying; they failed.

For FX I give a 0. The gore was utter shite. In a film that was obviously supposed to be semi gory, the FX were miserable. The blood looked like red water and the body parts weren’t even close to looking realistic. If you pay attention to the dismemberment scenes you can even see the creases in the flesh from placing them in the molds… this is something you are supposed to trim and clean. Fucking Garbage!

Overall, Ulli Lommel’s Black Dahlia gets my rating of a 1. The film isn’t worth a glance. I’d rather have throat surgery than have to sit through this so called movie again. It’s a pile of shit that should have been placed in a paper bag on the porch of your worst enemy and set ablaze! It’s a fucking shit bomb in full stinking ass bloom!