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An American Haunting
Achtung: if you have not seen this and want to, Do Not Read, there is an ending
spoiler if you give a shit about it.
Welcome fellow
horror-whores to another installment of listening to me being the shittiest
armchair movie reviewer of all time. With that I must get some apologies out of
the way to anyone who is listening. First to the Cinema Eulogies crew and
to all of those of you in horrorville, finals are a bitch and I’m glad they’re
done, sorry I’m late with this. Please, please send us comments and let us know
what you think… of our reviews, our site, that smell, Fuctup’s facial
ticks when he eats sushi…and anything else on your mind. I’m sure we’ll read
your thoughts and comments, provided they’re informative, funny, or sexually
charged, you chose. Just keep in mind when you read our stuff, opinions are like
assholes, everyone has one and they should be respected…the assholes not the
opinions.
Now, on to the sad task at hand, here is
my review for An American Haunting. I’m sure many of you have already
seen it, so I guess I’m writing this to see who agrees or disagrees. I like
giving bad reviews as much as Michael Jackson likes adult hetero sex, but
I have to be fair, this was not a bad movie, but it was certainly not a great
one. An American Haunting stars Donald Sutherland, Sissy Spacek,
James D’Arcy and Rachel Hurd-Wood. The story takes place in 1817
Tennessee and is the first recorded case of a haunting that may have actually
caused the death of a person, John Bell. The Bell family is haunted by a
ghost that ruthlessly attacks the daughter Betsy and then turns its shit storm
on John Bell played by Donald Sutherland, that’s basically it, that may
be the problem because besides posing the question of why they’re being haunted,
nothing else happens in the way of development besides the confusing ending when
John Bell is poisoned.
Here is what went wrong with the movie,
first and foremost the best this movie has to offer has been done too many times
before, making AAH too generic to be interesting, that’s really not anyone’s
fault, it’s just the way it goes. This however is someone’s fault,
the dialogue and overall pace of the movie failed to grab and keep my attention,
the story kept going scenes in Betsy’s bedroom making it repetitive, I
understand that that may have actually happened, at least make it creepy, AAH
resorted to textbook exorcist/haunting tactics, for example, pulling the
bed-sheets off of the victim. Whether these occurrences really did happen or
not, in ghost movies these stunts are stale and have been used more times than
the public shitter at a hot dog eating contest. Poor dialogue is a bitch too,
for example the witch pays the family a visit and starts whirling through and
destroying the Bell house like frat boys on a bender and the best line they
could give Donald Sutherland is “there’s something evil in this house”…
no shit, either that or you better call Century21 cause your house is
gravitationally challenged. With the exception of the scene where Betsy is
pulled up by her hair in mid-air and then bitch-slapped Bugs Bunny style,
the other scenes are predictable and boring, maybe I’m just jaded. Sissy
Spacek and Donald Sutherland give good performances but the two can’t
carry the monotony and dead weight of this movie by themselves. I understand
that when you’re dealing with a movie that has a factual basis some things are
left out for dramatic, time, or continuity purposes, but there was just too much
left out of this story and I think it seriously hurts it. For me, this movie
took a couple of views to get into, unfortunately, at 10 bucks a shot, its way
too expensive and unnecessary, wait for the DVD.
Here is what I liked about An
American Haunting. First the movie makes you ask the question of whether the
haunting is the result of a curse that a reputed witch put on the Bell family as
a result of a business deal gone bad between her and John Bell, or is it
something else. Secondly, I could watch any movie that takes place in this time
period. Third, the costumes, the score, and the camera work were fantastic. Most
importantly Sissy Spacek is compelling as the desperate matriarch of the
Bell family and any scene with her is great, I also happen to love any movie
with Donald Sutherland and despite that one fucking line, he was awesome. For
the rest of the cast I think they’re all wonderful actors in a ho-hum, been
there - done that, prototypical ghost movie and are not to blame for the movie
being as uneventful as it is.
In conclusion, the movie is not a total
loss, it’s a great date flick/default movie if there is nothing else to see and
will hopefully make a better DVD release. Even if you have seen the movie or
not, read up on the actual story of the Bell Witch, its way more interesting and
creepier than the actual movie. By the way, I respect the opinions of others but
I don’t like this movie being put into the same category as The Sixth Sense
or The Others, seeing those movies made me more scared than a surrounded
smoker at a straight-edge show. Those 2 movies where all the way creepy, I was
glued to those in terror, I knew I was soon going to be scared to death and I
loved every minute of them. The Others and A Sixth Sense where
scary, spine-tingling, fresh and original, unfortunately such is not the case
with An American Haunting.
Stay tuned for the next review of See
No Evil, maybe I’ll get David Blaine and he’ll do his greatest stunt
ever and he’ll make magically make me do a good review … yeah right!!!!
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Here is my overall review out of a possible 10 licks:
1.)
Story-
3
2.)
Costumes-
9
3.)
Dialogue-
3
4.)
Sound-
9
5.)
Acting-
6
6.)
Score-
10
7.)
Effects-
5
8.)
Overall-
5
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