Flesheater: “He Lived. He Died. He’s Back. And He’s Hungry”

            In 1988 Bill Hinzman decided to reprise his role as the Cemetery Zombie from Night of the Living Dead. Why you ask??  Was it to recapture old glory?  Is Mr. Hinzman looking to cash in on a character from a ground-breaking, genre-defining film? I would definitely say “No Way”!!! Hinzman knew full well what Romero and company lacked and Flesheater is his way of making the zombie world right. I’m gonna go out on a whim here and say that Flesheater has every single element that NOTLD does not, making it in fact a work of pure genius, superior to that of  any of Romero’s lifeless creations.

            First, Flesheater knows the importance of costume design. Hinzman was aware of the importance of denim, flannel shirts, and jean-bottoms tucked into thick, white socks.  I sat in awe of the witty, concise, and poignant dialogue about beer-runs, Kools, and most importantly, fucking. Do you hear this George?? Hmmmm??!!

            Now, on to the story, it’s simple, it works. A bunch of 30- something, “never will be” actors playing college kids go on a Halloween hayride at “Spencer’s Farm off of Route 5”. While the “kids” are settling in, a farmer finds a hidden plot on his land that holds the body of Hinzman’s Cemetery Zombie from Night of The Living Dead. Well, the Flesheater awakens, makes lunch of the farmer and from that point on bedlam ensues. The remaining “kids” are attacked and in broad daylight they decide to corner themselves in a shitty shack in the woods instead of just running for the main road, why?? The sole reason is because Flesheater is a shitty movie and there is just no other explanation.     Now of course I’m only joking about Hinzman’s superiority, (or am I)!!?? Despite how bad Flesheater is, it does have its pluses. For starters it was written, directed, and edited by Bill Hinzman himself, who also happens to be a personable, kind, and sweet gentleman in person. To wear that many hats and make something halfway viewable is a pretty impressive feat. Flesheater followed the formula for most horror movies that you would see in the 80’s, it is rife with shitty, pointless, mindless dialogue, bad acting, gratuitous nudity, and blood, and that is all you could ask of anyone at the time, or this time for that matter.

And please, allow me to emphasize the blood point, I was pretty impressed with the gore. The make-up and effects were pretty good and there were quite a few really good head-shots. In terms of shitty acting, if you want extra kicks pay attention to the dude dressed as the vampire in the barn party who is trying to act and talk like he’s drunk, whatever acting genes he might have inherited ran down his mother’s leg and onto her pillowcase, missing him by a mile. I also really liked the scene where some dumb-ass has her 9 year-old daughter answer the door by herself, only to be picked up and eaten by the Flesheater.

What I liked about Flesheater is that Hinzman and company know they made a bad movie and just looked to have fun with it. He catered to the cheese-ball in all of us. He knew not to take himself seriously, and that gives Flesheater a certain kind of charm. Flesheater is bad for all the right reasons, it had barely any budget and Hinzman made good with what he had. This movie came in a 3-pack along with Zombie Holocaust and Burial Ground: Nights of Terror, so it’s decent for any zombie movie collector. My one and only real gripe was something this bad should not be an hour and a half, they could have killed me with it’s shittiness in about an hour and it still would have done the trick. The trick to watching movies like this is to take it for what its worth and that is to make fun of its flaws. So get some friends, buy some beer and some food and have fun with the Flesheater. If you have no friends it’s probably because you’re inside reading my shitty reviews. So get off of our site and make some fucking friends!